parts of my brain and my heart will always be in 2019, my last year of being ‘normal’ and able bodied. I’ll continue to grieve my past life
However, I am incredibly proud of the person I was pre-stroke: I married my best friend and childhood sweetheart – my first love, bonded and strong in our faith; I had a career I loved, established the most genuine relationships and a tribe so deep who helped us get through the most devastating time. I built myself to survive the worst; I hit many of my goals before the age of 31 which prepared me to be set for recovery in my home
I will always envy those who get to move on normally in life while I continue to struggle the rest of my days
Being disabled is harder than hard; and I”m not too sure yet why God decided this card for me. even as I type this blog post one-handed, I miss the ease of life I used to possess
and I don’t regret one second of the hard because it showed me the strength of our faith, love, and hope in what He can do for us, tested the love between my husband and I, showed us who our people are
I also wonder if this had not happened to me, would I have even inspired anyone at all?
If my story could be a source of strength to anyone struggling and my daughters that would be enough for me
It took me awhile to accept, but I do love the survivor that I am, the wife, and mother and friend that I am
In the spirit of this year coming to an end, I reflect on the leaps and bounds I have made this past year and I am so proud of myself and my little family for thriving under all the hardship, pressure and never giving up on each other, not crumbling through the difficult times, especially our resilient kids in their young age who have had to grow up faster in order to help their parents. I thank our God for giving us all the strength and everything we need and more. I look forward to continue to work towards even more recovery and God-willing, closer to a ‘normal’ life. I’ve completed all of my therapy appointments I had this year and am scheduled to continue through the end of January then will be discharged for a few months while my persistent physical therapist, Barb is working on getting me into vocational, transitional neuro rehab which is a 8 hours/day/5 days a week program who’s goal would be to get me back into the work force post brain-injury, even part-time or volunteer work. God-willing I’ll be in the program sometime next year as there is months waitlist, plus insurance issues. we are praying for this next step. Until then i’ll keep walking to strengthen my endurance. and I’ll trust in God’s plan for me and my family. if you’ve read this far, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here.
… to recovery. and counting. I didn’t mean to go 2 whole years before writing another post, but life just happens. I did write a draft blog update post in speech therapy last year, but didn’t get a chance to edit out all the mistakes, so I never posted it. so that one will just be for me. Over past two years I’ve been gaining a clearer understanding of what happened to me in 2020. I’ve been in my wheelchair quietly observing and getting accustomed to my new normal: life as a hemiplegic woman in my early 30s and I guess I will just talk about what it has been like.
therapy in the beginning of course was so painful, but I set a goal to get out of my wheelchair someday and knew I had to just endure and push through all the pain.
the equinovarus deformity or contraction in my left leg and left hamstring got so bad that I had very limited range of motion, so my PT encouraged me to get surgery to get my hamstring released and achilles tendon lengthened and I got this done on April 11th of this year. this was completely voluntary and my surgeon gave me no guarantees I would walk unassisted but I had a feeling it would make it a lot better so I decided to do it for my husband and girls. I figured it was worth a try instead of staying the exact same or stagnant. This was the first surgery I was completely aware and conscious for beforehand but I knew I would be okay because I had already gone through multiple brain surgeries already with God’s help; surgery went as smooth as I could have hoped, but the recovery was very rough. I was short casted at the ankle for 6 weeks plus put in a knee immobilizer and special chair to keep that leg elevated for those full 6 weeks; with the cast, I could not get it wet nor shower normally; it was the longest 6 weeks of my life. I spent my 33rd birthday in that horrible set up; cast removal day came and seemed to jump start my recovery all over again and I returned to PT with a left leg that had full range of motion and much better extension. I left off with the hemi-walker, but did so well on it that my PT said that I was going to try a cane. My initial reaction was disbelief and I felt really unbalanced my first time using it. Fast forward to now, I went from a 4 point cane, to 3, this past week of PT my therapist and I came to the conclusion that I no longer need my chair. An unexpected result of the leg surgery was no longer having intense pain or “tone” And she reduced me to 1-day a week of therapy because I am doing so well; she had me walk outside around the entire outpatient rehab building, even up a flight of stairs and she said I could go on our upcoming trip without using my chair.
All this to say I’m not all out of the woods. and life isn’t any ‘easier’ by any means. though I can walk via cane, I am still hemiplegic, so I use my good arm for the cane and cannot carry anything else as I walk and I still require an AFO (ankle-foot-orthosis) I am still a fall risk. I still bear most of my weight on my right side so it does get fatigued fairly quick, for longer walks I will still use my chair, it’s just not completely necessary for me to live and for that I am so grateful. I can do all of my favorite things in life sans wheelchair.
that is the mobility/physical update on my life
Cognitively, everything feels to be in tact. Thanks to the unfailing support of my family and friends, most especially my wonderful husband for always putting me first. I’m so lucky we met and fell in love so young, not to mention he’s the man of my dreams, no less and we have our two beautiful girls, which is already more than I could have asked for.
the one thing I struggle with is not knowing/never will know who I would be now if I had never had my strokes or lost my left side mobility, I wouldn’t have found out how strong I am, that’s for sure and I will always miss the old ‘able-bodied’ me and wonder who she would have been, but for now I am happy and proud of my strength and resilience
I have peace knowing my body probably had to have the strokes in order to deliver and save my baby; our 30-week miracle preemie baby stayed in for the perfect amount of time. Her doctor declared her at normal development at her 15-month appointment before the actual 2 years and she continues to grow and be our “eternal joy” by definition of her name Gilana literally means eternal joy 🙂
I’m forever grateful to everyone who has reached out and visited me in the last 2 years; each of you have helped us get through the hardest of times
As positive as I strive to be at all times, I would be lying if I said everything was perfect; There’s still so much I miss about the old me.. my independence, my job etc
The thing about going through a traumatic experience and living to talk about it is it will stay with you forever, no matter how you come out of it and everything may seem okay, but it is also okay not to be okay.
People tell me a lot that I’m the ‘strongest’ person they know, but I still don’t know what that really means.
I’m not gonna lie, my mental health really suffered the first few years, not fully comprehending how or what happened to me. Missing so much of Gilana’s first year, put me in a depression where I cried a lot. like a lot. I struggled with feeling like only being half the mom I wanted to be, questioning if she would know I was her mom even though I couldn’t hold her with both arms.. I still struggle with it.
But the honest truth is that I would go through it all over again knowing I would still get her for the rest of my life.
I want to thank my family and best friends for sticking by me and loving me all the same despite my deficits.
i don’t have complete memory of what happened so this is going to be the story as remembered by my amazing husband, Kit
on the morning of June14, 2020 we were in Las Vegas celebrating my nephew’s high school graduation
the morning ofSunday june 14, we had no special plans, but to spend time with family we were actually planning on driving back to AZ that day but God had a different plan that would change our lives forever…
At 28 weeks pregnant. around 3PM, i would take my firstborn Keluna to the potty then start randomly having excruciating pain in my head that I still remember to this day the cousins wanted to go out to the strip but my headache was so bad that I decided to stay back at the house while our cousins take luna with them
i instantly knew there was something seriously wrong with me This headache was like no other..my cousin, a nurse practitioner ran to get her blood pressure cuff to make sure it wasn’t crazy…. it read normal so I was relieved but my head was throbbing in pain I went to the bed and tried rolling indifferent positions; I call Kit to try and be comforted by him he runs into the room and I throw up and suddenly rolled off the bed, start having a seizure then stroke-like symptoms (grasping my left arm, shortness of breath, and in panic Kit calls 911 and an ambulance e comes to take me to the hospital after an initial CT scan, they discover that I had an aneurysm burst in my brain doctors then perform a cerebral angiogram to coil the aneurysm and to stop the bleeding neurosurgeon stops Kit to tell him one of my eyes was already dilated and if the other would have dilated, that was it- there would be no chance of survival. right before surgery they let kit and my cousins see me in ICU, believing thus was an end of life situation of what I went through: half don’t make it to the hospital, half and don’t make it to the operating table or come out at this point it was only a matter of time to get to the operating room, I Squeezed kit’s hand while he did everything he could to stay strong, After many hours prayers I came out responsive: able to squeeze kit’s hands, look at him and all good signs right then, my parents and my mothrt-in-law arrive just in time to see me after surgery. until we had to go home which was 3AM at this point i would the procedure went well and I get sent to another CT scan.. where doctors found more bleeding from after the first scan starting to build up pressure in my head next step: craniotomy they have to remove the right side of my skull to relieve pressure this was a life threatening-surgery– right then, the neurosurgeon says they need to keep my skull removed for the next couple weeks. and this is when I was officially on the road to recovery. It hurts my heart that , they asked if I have a will,my family was told to say their goodbyes.. The hardest for me to grasp that I wasn’t supposed to survive this, but byGod’s grace, here I am…I almost left my dear husband a widow and my girls without a mother I almost didn’t meet my Gilana baby but I’m so incredibly proud of my body for overcoming and keeping Gilana alive. Kit leaves around 7 PM, then gets calls to come back to the hospital. Gigi was showing signs of decel. and he needed to make a decision. Doctors wanted to c-section the baby. Kit says–yes and that “I’d rather save one than lose both!”
June 27 kit’s post read this: Giana Isabelle Maglunog was born at 30 weeks3 days on 6/26.15:32, 2.7 pounds 16.9 in a rollercoaster week to say the least earlier this week, right before stent surgery, I experienced a seizure which lead to more bleeding-in the bran and 2 strokes – one hemmoragic, one ischemic. not only that, another aneurysm formed on top of the original one doctors performed a coiling and a stent -and another craniotomy take out dead brain tissue-and place a pressure monitor(VP shunt) in my brain surgeries were successful, but now the waiting game me (and baby) were placed in a medically induced coma to monitor he week, baby baby has shown signs of distress for the first time-and needed to take action Fast forward to Friday, doctors wanted to c- section the babY at 30 weeks gestation, however right before the operation, I experienced a vasospasm and needed to have a procedure To expand the closing arteries to prevent a stroke, I was taken to the OR– and baby GIGI was born!
Post on JJuly 33, 2020: belle’s husband here for an update: this poster has been in 3 different rooms of the hospital in the span of 6 weeks. all of the staff who worked with and cared for belle during her time here loved seeing my beautiful wife in her element, along with the members of her family. they got to see a little glimpse of the patient they were caring for Today marks the last day this poster will be in the hospital because belle is getting transferred to a facility in PHOENIX!d ue to covid, I still cannot go visit her but at least we are one step closer to being home!as for Gigi she is also approved to go to a NICU in
phoenix and will be there tomorrow, as well!
keluna and I will finally be home! i know this is Gods perfect timing for us. still a LONG WAY to go of recovery forBelle and growing bigger for Gigi, Icannot thank my family enough for the hospitality hey have given my family the past 6 weeks. its been real, Vegas! see yo u in Phoenix! $#road torecovery
I cab’t pinpoint exactly when I realized and learned of everything that had happened to me, but imagine going on a trip and instead of going home, you’re in a coma and wake up in the hospital and jump right into inpatient neuro rehab because your left side no longer works. Kit tells me the whole story one night when he visited me and I could not believe what I heard truly traumatized. I could not sleep that night. I may havePTSD from it all I am home now, but still have an intense fear of having another stroke/aneurysm….
I would spend 5 weeks, 1110 days in the neuro rehab unit of the hospital. .the days are long and i am just waiting day to day t to be visited by my family and get discharged, i could hardly believe it when I got the news that I was being discharged on
October 3, and then even earlier onSEptember 30 because husband convinced them for itt o be during his fAll break. My husband was always pulling for me like that the whole time. He wanted me home. as much as I wanted to be home.
October 29 came, the day of family training when my family would learn the new way how to care for me being disabled. I would be going home in a wheelchair.
life now,., is so different I often ask my husband if he’s sure he wants to stay with me I worry he will feel trapped-or just want a normal life again because i’m so sure he never imagined his wife would become disabled,.but this whole thing has taught us that all we want is life together… in sickness and in health. with our children Thank you God for allowing me to stay alive and have a future with my children. because the alternative would be too sad
Kit and i have had about a thousand deep conversations about what would have happened had the story gone the other way… in the thick of it all kit cried to my family about not being sure if he gave me a good life or if i knew how much he loves me. But i can say with full confidence that the love kit has for me is boundless that even though I’m not the same person I was before my injury he would never dream of leaving me! And for him i am truly thankful
I thank God every day that i’m still here. that I was blessed with an amazing husband who would literally saved my life. even in the saddest moment he never gave up hope.
it is our firm belief that our faith and trust in God is what made us come this far. our membership in the Church of Christ has not only saved us in this life, but also in the salvation of our souls PLEASE VISIT incmedia.org to learn more about our Church
If you’ve come this far, thank you for reading. Thank you God, our story doesn’t end here.
2020 has been a year no one could have predicted or dreamed up. We are still in the midst of a global pandemic, and now we face the uprising of a movement, #BlackLivesMatter. Black people in this country are rightfully angry and they are hurt, and they need our help.
This has been weighing so heavy on my heart ever since witnessing the death of George Floyd with the rest of the world. I cannot believe that we as a nation have been standing idly by, letting injustices like this happen for years, for CENTURIES. And yet, what hurts the most is that even though I have never thought of myself as racist, have always loved and accepted everyone for who they are and never by the color of their skin — that was never enough.I was part of the problem. I was complicit. I was ignorant. I thought that I faced my own fair share of racism being a person of color and that was enough to empathize with the black community. In my world, I was doing fine. But now I’m learning that’s not the case. And now as I write, the one thing that screams loudest in my heart is that this isn’t about me.
I started this blog as a way to express myself and share every part of my life. But the heaviness of the current events immediately confused me to the point of not knowing what to say, and most of all, instilled the fear of saying the wrong thing. As a Filipino American, I thought, what insight would I even have to offer? But then again… this isn’t about me. I shouldn’t fear what others will think of what I will say, but rather care to say what I know in my heart is the right thing. And that is to stand up for Black lives, because THEY MATTER. Because they haven’t for so long, for far too long. And we need to be their ally in order for there to be real change. We can’t be an ally simply by thinking and without doing the work. Just like faith, what good is it without deeds? And we can’t just wait for others to do the work for us. Black people have been fighting this fight alone all these years with no success. When we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the Civil Rights Movement opening the door to immigrants. So it’s time for us to do what we can for them.
So what am I doing to be an ally? Listening. Learning. And starting at home.
The first thing and foremost thing I think of is my most precious role I have in this life: being a mother. I don’t want my children to live in a world of systemic racism. Most of all, I want them to be so much better than I am. I want them to be educated and be consciously accepting of people of all colors and to honor those different than them. So for their tender age of 0-3, I have vowed to be devoted to inclusive play. I have begun and will continue to purchase books featuring main characters of color. I’ve also begun to buy them dolls that represent them and other skin tones as well. And as they grow older, I promise to be open with them about the history of racism, teach them with anti-racist ideals and tell them that with that mindset, they can change the world for the better.
Next for my family, we are passionate about supporting local businesses. It has been so amazing to see the lists of black businesses being shared throughout our community on social media, and we are making our rounds to support as many as we can from now on.
via @azcentral Instagram
There are also many big and small businesses who have committed to match our purchases with donations to great BLM causes. Sephora + Gathre are two companies who I have personally used to donate so far. I’m continuing to seek out my favorite businesses and what they are doing to support this movement, so that I know I’m only supporting businesses who are on the right side of humanity.
Lastly, and most importantly, I will not stop trying to be better. I’ll say this again: this is not about me.. But we need to take control of the things we can and that simply is me and my own actions. Whether it be to sign petitions, vote, donate, continue to educate myself, keep posting on social media, even long after this stops trending. Have uncomfortable conversations, and call out any racism I hear even if it’s my family. And not stopping until we live in a world free of social injustice. This also means that I will not pass judgement or make assumptions about the intentions of what others are doing or not doing. Always be kind. This is the only way we can inspire change for the better. Never by force. But always with grace.
I’d love to hear what others are feeling and doing about the BLM movement. I cannot wait to help make this world a better place for my children and theirs and so on.
I figured out that it was ambitious for me to say that I would do a weekly pregnancy update, and there was really not a significant change since my 24 weeks post. So here we are, 26 weeks pregnant with baby #2. Less than one week away from the THIRD TRIMESTER. WHAT??! And suddenly I’m starting to freak out a little! It still has not fully hit me that we will have two kids in just a short few weeks, but the thought is overwhelming. We always knew we wanted our kids to be less than 4 years apart, but man did that time go by so quickly. And though the days are long due to quarantine, this pregnancy has flown by.
Due date: September 2, 2020
Trimester: Last week of 2nd trimester!
It’s a: GIRL!
My weight: Oh my… I clocked in at 146 lbs at my last appointment at 25 weeks. I started this pregnancy at about 126 pounds so that doesn’t leave me much more to gain. Surprisingly, my doctor didn’t mention any concern about my weight. And he did say that my belly is measuring “perfectly.” Speaking of, I just remembered that I PASSED MY GESTATIONAL DIABETES TEST! I couldn’t even believe my eyes when I got the results. I was so sure that my number would be high, because all my body wants is carbs and sugar. And for how bad I was during birthday week, this is a total surprise. Thank you God!
Baby is the size of a: head of kale
How am I feeling? Oh boy… I am still nauseous. It is just a part of me. If you haven’t read my post on hyperemesis, click here.
Baby’s movements: Babygirl is pretty active in there! I feel her most right before bed and it is the sweetest moments of my day, especially because daddy can feel her and gets so excited. We really can’t believe she’s in there! (But we’re so glad she is lol)
Energy level: Can I say zero? So many naps… always exhausted. Not like me, and I’m longing to feel like myself again.
Exercise: It makes me so sad to say that I have not exercised so far this pregnancy. I am praying so hard to be hit with a surge of energy and decrease in nausea in the third trimester. Going back to weight gain, I am unhappy with how big my arms are getting and this hit me hard today as my husband took a photo of me and I hated what I saw. I bought some hand weights a few weeks ago, but have not put them to use yet. I want to start working my arms out for the rest of the pregnancy. I know I shouldn’t be hard on myself when it comes to my body, but my main concern is that I don’t want to go down an unhealthy path where I will continue to eat recklessly and uncontrollably while not exercising. I’ve had issues with my weight and not liking the way I look in clothes my entire life. I cannot stress how important self-care is to me, because I cannot take care of my family if I’m not taking care of myself as best as I can. So with all that said, I hope that my nausea will finally subside so that exercising can be a priority for me for the rest of my pregnancy. With hesitation, here is the photo:
A photo of myself that I hate… but one that I love of Keluna loving on her baby sister
Intimacy: Better this week
Cravings: A few days ago on Memorial Day, I really wanted an amazing burger! We got that at Cold Beers and Cheeseburgers, a local restaurant here in AZ and they did not disappoint!
Baby’s name? We have been talking about it more this week. We have a name that we love (actually more of a nickname), but are not completely set on the full first and middle name. We are back and forth on a few.
How is Keluna doing? She is so sweet, always kisses her baby sister (my belly) whenever we ask or even on her own terms. Or really anytime she sees my big belly, she says baby sister. I truly cannot wait for her to become a big sister. She will be amazing.
I had no idea that May 15th, 2020 was International Hyperemesis Awareness Day. That very day being my birthday, of all days, I can’t help but feel that it was meant to be. All those who know me very well knows that I am currently suffering with my second round of this disease during this second pregnancy. Hyperemesis gravidarum is severe nausea and/or vomiting that is coupled with dehydration, malnutrition, weight loss and more that affects about 1% of pregnant women.
I am part of that 1%. For the second time.
Girls like me who have always dreamed of becoming a mom and could not wait for their time to get pregnant would probably join me in saying that we always envisioned ourselves having perfect, glowing, beautiful pregnancies. Little did we know that our hopes for an amazing, energetic, euphoric pregnancy could possibly not happen. Not even close.
Before my first pregnancy, I was in the best physical shape of my life: just post wedding- a fit, tiny 95 pound thing who loved my daily workout, and enjoyed all the foods I wanted to eat. When I took that positive pregnancy test, excited for the wonderful journey I was about to embark on, nothing could have prepared me for what was actually going to come. The harsh reality that would trump all my glorious expectations out of the window.
Looking back, I am so glad that my husband and I spontaneously took the opportunity to go on a late honeymoon and embark on a Disney Dream Cruise. This trip would make the last moments I had before ever enduring this disease. We left the week after we found out we were pregnant, when I was still feeling good- amazing even. I maybe even had that “glow” for a week. Since our pregnancy was still so early and a secret to those in our lives, we took advantage and told every stranger we met on the cruise, and probably embellished about how far along we were (lol). We told our hosts/waiters (“oh, I can’t have that, I’m pregnant”), our dinner mates… we even did our pregnancy announcement there!
6 weeks pregnant on the Disney Cruise Line
And on the last night of the cruise… the storm hit. And not a literal storm out at sea. The storm of vomiting and nausea. That final night, I would be woken up to the most violent, vulgar, and intense retching of all the contents of my insides (which was a lot, because all-inclusive equals eating my own weight). I remember climbing back into bed in tears, not believing what just happened. A part of me thought that I just ate too much, then remembered, this must be morning sickness. Okay, there it is and I’ll be fine. I’m fine. This has passed.
But that was not it for me. It was not just a first trimester condition like it is for most either. This nausea would stay with me day in and day out at all hours of the day all of 35+ weeks of this pregnancy. I would vomit a few hundred times for months straight. And again during labor.
I imagined having the most natural pregnancy, not daring to put one single bad or foreign thing in my body to protect my unborn baby. At about 15 weeks, my husband and I along with my parents were out at one of my favorite restaurants. I was sobbing while we were waiting for our table, because I was so hungry and just wanted to feel normal, I just wanted to be okay. I simply just wanted to eat. My doctor had prescribed me Zofran, an effective anti-nausea medicine but warned me of it’s controversy that it has been shown to be linked to babies born with congenital heart defects. This hit me so hard because in my profession, I work with the heart. I was lying across my mom’s lap, crying in public, in the middle of this restaurant when she told me that the benefits of this drug has outweighed the risks at this point. I hadn’t kept any food down for weeks. Not even water. I was losing a ton of weight and worrying her. My mom was a physician, so I always take what she says to heart. She begged me to take it, and to pray because the risk of anything happening to my baby was so low. She assured me that by taking it, I would be doing what was best for my baby. She (we didn’t know the gender at this time yet) needed the nutrients and so did I. With so much hesitation and fear, but with no other option then to starve myself and keep vomiting stomach acid, I finally took the medicine. And pretty much instantly- it worked. I got some relief. I was able to eat an entire basket of sweet potato fries, and for the first time in weeks, I was happy.
Now, this drug was not a cure. Not even a little. It merely took the edge off. It gave me the ability to eat… to a point. The impending weeks of my pregnancy, I would have to figure out, by trial and error (meaning more vomiting), the drug regimen that would give me the most optimal relief, and it was meticulous. I had to take the meds the second I opened my eyes in the morning, and exactly every four hours if I wanted to get through my day. And even if I didn’t vomit, the nausea was still there.
Yes, I tried everything. Ginger tea (really, any form of ginger), saltine crackers, soda water, Preggo Pops, gatorade, golden milk, peppermint… and though I was so appreciative of all the suggestions I would get daily, yes I tried it and no, it didn’t work.
Hyperemesis is easily the most physically taxing, exhausting, debilitating thing I have ever been through in my life. And going through it for the second time has really took a toll on my mental health. When finding out I was pregnant with baby #2 I had all the faith that this time would be different- that I would have that magical pregnancy that I see and envy everyone else having. I wanted it so bad. I still do. I thought I could bypass this by being extremely positive; I kept telling myself it was mind over matter. So when week 6 hit and I dry heaved at the toilet, I knew that I was in for round two of this horrible disease. And I mourned. I mourned the perfect pregnancy. Again. And I cannot help but be in a deep depression that instead of staying fit and eating healthy, doing all the things I normally do for self care and wellness, all the things that make me happy, even as basic as eating my favorite foods, I cannot do because I am simply too nauseous. And I hide it. I hide it well. I push through my days without most knowing there is anything wrong with me because I have to. I have a toddler and husband to take care of. I still have to work to help provide for my family. I can’t afford to baby this disease.
But the reality is, I write this blog post at 24, almost 25 weeks of my second pregnancy- having to take multiple breaks to lie down and wait for the nausea to subside enough for me to sit up again. I call this my normal pregnancy. For whatever reason, I was made to be in the 1% who carries this disease, every time. I question, why me? All the time. It makes me afraid to have more children in the future. This is my truth. This is my story.
I shied away from ever talking in depth about this, because essentially this ended in happily ever after for me. I got my beautiful, healthy baby girl. Nine months of nausea and vomiting was a small price to pay for this gift of her being in my arms since her birth to today. And I pray that is the same end for this little one in my belly. I feel like I don’t deserve to “complain” about going through this. For some, this disease ends in fetal fatalities or even death of the mother when not treated in time. Others are hospitalized for weeks, or even their entire pregnancy for HG. I don’t ever want to belittle that. Or belittle those longing who cannot even get pregnant. I don’t want to belittle cancer patients who endure years and years of nausea and vomiting due to chemotherapy. That’s the last thing I would ever want to do.
However, this year’s theme for International Hyperemesis Awareness Day is “Raise your Voice; Hear Us!” And I’m here to say that no matter what you are going through, it’s okay not to be okay. And it’s okay to say something about it. It’s okay to be sad that you’re going through something, even if you know it could be worse. It’s okay to validate your feelings. Because if you do, you will find out that you’re not alone. To all the mamas mourning a perfect pregnancy, especially in quarantine during this global pandemic, even without any debilitating symptoms… I see you. And I feel so so deeply for you.
I personally feel the most comfort from mamas who also went through the same thing, so if you have or are suffering from HG, or are feeling discouraged while being pregnant in this pandemic, please reach out and tell me your story. I am here for you.
This was the point where I left off my last neglected blog, and for my birthday today, I want to relive the most painful, happiest day of my life: the birth of my firstborn, Keluna Celine. I have never recounted that day in my own words, and thankfully my husband recorded as much of it as he could, but I definitely thought I should write this down before the birth of baby #2 so that I don’t get the two stories mixed up in my head. So three years and four months later, here is what I can remember:
I laid in our bed at our downtown Phoenix condo on January 11, 2017. I recall the night before I was having contractions, or what felt like mild period cramps that came and went every hour or so, so I barely slept that night thinking that could be the night. That morning, I let Kit know that I think today is the day, but go to work and I would let him know. He called me during his lunch break and I told him that my cramps were getting worse and that I think he should come home now. I continued to lay in bed, and start to time how far apart my contractions were on an app. We talked on the phone as we usually do on his way home, and discussed a few things that we thought he should pick up for the hospital, like snacks at Trader Joe’s and we planned on having In-N-Out as our meal before we left for the hospital. Right then, I braced myself for the contraction that was about to come and then all of a sudden felt a POP down there and liquid uncontrollably gushing out, and I screamed OH SH*T MY WATER BROKE into the phone (lol). Kit started to panic, said he’s going straight home and I called my OB as I sat on the toilet while my water continued to release, and then I saw my mucus plug come out as well. The OB said to go to the hospital, so I quickly packed my last minute additions to my bag, made arrangements for the dog and we were out the door the moment Kit got home. I believe this was around 2:30 PM.
My contractions instantly started to intensify the moment my water broke. I remember the walk from the car to the Labor & Delivery entrance, and the elevator ride to triage felt like the longest walk of my life. We had to wait a little while before being admitted because they told us, “a lot of babies are being born today” … I really started to worry because the pain was getting worse and I was doubting if I could do this or not. We finally get into triage after what felt like forever. I get my gown to change into and I remember having to just hold on to the bathroom wall between contractions. I lay down on the hospital bed and all I could do was lay on my side in fetal position, while Kit held my hand and stroked my hair to try and comfort me. He put Friends on Netflix on his phone to try to take my mind off. I was dilating pretty quickly, but we would be in triage for about 2 and a half hours. I was suffering. My plan was to try to give birth naturally, but I ended up begging for the epidural. They kept telling me to try to hold on while they waited for a delivery room to become available because again, lots of babies were coming too. After an eternity, they said a room was ready for me but that I had to walk there because “it’s not that far.” I wanted to kill somebody. THAT was the longest walk of my life and to this day, I am still bitter that no one offered me a wheelchair or to carry me to my room (haha).
When we got to the delivery room, they told me that I was 8 cm dilated, but not far effaced. I started to panic that it was too late to get the epidural, but they said I still could. My new best friend, the anesthesiologist arrived, but having to sit up to get the epidural while having contractions was the most excruciating pain that I ever felt in my life. I was crying and screaming so hard at this point, and I think Kit started to cry too seeing me like that. However, as soon as I was done getting the shot, I started to feel instant relief. Kit says it was like night and day, and from then on he said I was a different person as if nothing happened. Thank the Lord, the epidural worked. I asked Kit for my phone and he was happy to hand it to me and to be able to just sit and relax with me while we waited and watched more Friends on TV. This was the moment that we were able to enjoy the experience and talk through our very last hours before becoming parents. We started to play my birth playlist which consisted mostly of songs from Hamilton (which we are obsessed with).
Hours were passing, and the nurses checking up on me said that I stopped progressing so they gave me something to try and speed it up. I started to uncontrollably shake or shiver, which I had no idea could happen after getting an epidural. I think it was around 10 PM that our nurse said that I was 10 cm and 100% effaced. She tells me my OB has priority to be with her c-section patients, and that she wouldn’t be able to come any time soon, but that I should start pushing.
I push… and I push… for 2 HOURS. Our amazing best friends were in the waiting room to meet her but we sent them home because she just wasn’t coming out (shoutout to them though for bringing us my favorite, Delux burger and the spicy tuna roll I requested for my first meal post birth haha best meal ever). Our hope for her being born on January 11 was gone and we were so sad for a moment because we got engaged on June 11 and married on March 11.
1 AM came and the nurses start to worry that I won’t be able to push her out because it being my first, and not having feeling due to the epidural, there was a chance it wouldn’t happen. Nausea crept in and I vomit all over myself. I’m sobbing and also fighting falling asleep because I didn’t get much, if any the night before. I had been pushing for what felt like forever, using all of the little energy I had left. My OB finally arrived around 1:45 AM and says that if I don’t get her out on this push, I would have to get an emergency c-section. Kit said that he could see her head crowning, but that she wasn’t moving and they were afraid that she couldn’t breathe. I cried and prayed the hardest I have ever prayed and pushed as hard as I could…
And then she came. January 12, 2017 at 1:50 AM, Keluna Celine Maglunog was born to “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith. I did it. I can’t believe I did it. My beautiful baby girl was here, and my world changed forever.
The moment we met
Our first family photo
The love of my life was here
This was the day I became the one thing I’ve wanted to be my whole life, a mom… the best day of my life.
Now that I have this thing going, my goal here is to give weekly updates of this pregnancy. With my first, I kept a written diary of notes from day one. I just found it recently during spring cleaning, and was so happy that I did that because I had forgotten pretty much everything. It was just so sweet to read back through my first time, when I didn’t know what I was expecting. Reading through it was a trip because there was so many similarities with this time, it is no wonder that I am having another girl. But also so many differences. I have an iPhone note for this pregnancy, but there’s just something precious about writing things out that is good for the soul. I’ll start with a quick recap of the first half of this pregnancy, then go through questions/topics that I will use to update each week until I give birth.
My LMP (Last Menstrual Period) was November 27, 2019. I remember this because it was the day before our last trip to Disneyland. My BFP (Big Fat Positive) was on December 30, 2019 in the bathroom of Target lol I couldn’t wait. I surprised Kit with the news during our family photoshoot the next day and cried like a baby.
The moment I told him we were pregnant. Photography by Andrian Quito
If I had to describe my first trimester in one word, it would be miserable. Severe nausea and vomiting (hyperemesis) began on week 6, which was the exact same story with my first. I could write an entire blog post on this topic because it is the most significant symptom of both of my pregnancies and something that has shaken me to my core. I spent half of this time on vacation in Australia and unfortunately, I could not enjoy myself, or eat all the things that I wanted. It was truly debilitating and it put me in a depression. More on that later.
Due date: September 2, 2020
Trimester: 2nd
It’s a: GIRL!
My weight: I’m not sure, but last OB appointment on week 19 I was 135 lbs. I’m pretty sure I’ve gained a lot more because of quarantine and lack of exercise.
Baby is the size of a: Papaya
How am I feeling? Still nauseous unfortunately, but for the first week it is starting to taper off and be on the mild side. I am taking one dose of Vitamin B6 + Unisom every morning to help take the edge off. I still constantly have a feeling of nausea. Last time vomiting was May 2nd.
Baby’s movements: Constant! OB said that I should feel her moving consistently by week 22 and he was exactly right! Kit felt her kick for the first time week 23.
Energy level: I get tired so easily. On days that I work, I usually take a nap which says a lot because I don’t normally ever take naps.
Exercise: None whatsoever the entire pregnancy. Nausea is still too much.
Intimacy: Not. In. The. Mood.
Cravings: Sweets + carbs, always.
Baby’s name? We haven’t talked about it for weeks, and we are just so unsure. She most likely won’t be named until birth or right before.
How is Keluna doing? She is just now starting to show signs that she knows that we’re having a baby. The entire first half, she would not acknowledge or simply say “no” every time we would mention it. This week, she started saying “mommy’s baby” on her own. Today, we got a package of diapers from my cousin and she surprised us by saying, “for baby sister?” It was the sweetest thing.
Moms, I want to know, how were your pregnancies? How did your 2nd compare to the first?
I mentioned in my very first post that I have a shopping bug, and that is quite the understatement. Being stuck at home, or as I’d rather put it, safe at home during the coronavirus pandemic, we have had to get much more resourceful and creative. We aimed to buy the items that we needed in order to keep us from going out as much as possible, whether it was kitchen essentials or entertainment, mostly for our hyper active toddler. Here are our top 5 best buys during quarantine:
Instant Pot Duo Crisp + Air Fryer 8 quart($179.99 at Target) – this bad boy as 11 functions… ELEVEN! It comes with 2 different lids that you use based on your cooking method. The pressure cooker lid performs “wet cooking” functions: pressure cook, saute, steam, slow cook, sous vide (my husband’s new favorite way to cook steak), and warm. What really sold me on this was the AIR FRYER lid! It can also roast, bake, broil and dehydrate. I have been wanting an Instant Pot for as long as it has become a thing, and for some reason could not pull the trigger all these years because I’m always afraid of the “next best thing” coming out. But I truly believe I was meant to have this model. There’s really nothing it can’t do and it saves you from having so many different appliances. We have used it almost every day during quarantine and it is definitely worth the investment. If you already have an older version of Instant Pot, I highly recommend buying the air fryer lid if you don’t have an air fryer already- it is a game changer.
Gathre mats – I am very late to hop on the Gathre train, but I’m on board and can’t stop, won’t stop (lol). I was longing for the World Map to put up as tapestry in Keluna’s playroom because I’ve seen it all over Instagram so that was my very first purchase. As soon as I opened the box, I fell in love with its beauty and quality. I laid it down as a mat first and started teaching her different countries and she became obsessed with jumping from one to another. It was the first thing she would do when she woke up in the morning. She was sad and upset when we put it up on the wall, so I knew I just had to get more for her. I then purchased an Alphabet Mini mat for her to learn and match letters to and she uses it every single day to practice letters and as a “picnic blanket.” It’s so amazing to watch. For their recent Mother’s Day sale, I got my hands on a Tiny Rainbow Micro+ to later use as the new baby’s changing mat and a Mini Floor Cushion in Saddle. I’m definitely addicted to these mats and it doesn’t help that they’re aesthetically pleasing and go with our home so well! Moms, I get it now…
Mini floor cushion in saddle, mini Alphabet mat, micro+ Tiny Rainbow
Radio Flyer Classic Tricycle ($59.99 at Target) – Keluna’s first bike! There was no better time for her to learn how to ride one than in quarantine. And in efforts for less screen time, and to get her excited for more than just taking walks, this was the perfect purchase. It took her about a week to get really comfortable riding and pedaling, and it has been such a joy seeing her get better and better every time.
Minnidip Inflatable Pool – if you don’t have your own pool in Arizona, you are SOL (lol). Jokes aside, Luna loves to swim and was asking us to go swimming almost every day. It broke our heart to keep saying no, so an inflatable pool was really our only option. She is growing way too fast for a regular kiddie pool, and I kept seeing ADULTS with these gorgeous “luxe kiddie pools” (again, influenced by Instagram) and I instantly knew that was what we needed so that we could enjoy it too! We went with the Geo Monocroma Luxe Inflatable pool ($45) and it comfortably fits all 3 of us!
Instacart Membership – Instacart is a grocery delivery service, much like Postmates and Uber Eats. In order to limit our exposure to the virus in grocery stores, I signed up for the membership which is $10/month for unlimited free delivery for orders over $35. There is still a service charge plus it’s customary to add tip for your delivery person. The downside is that they up charge for some items, most noticeably for Costco, but for us it was a small price to pay for us to stay safe during this time. The good news is that you can cancel your membership anytime.
If anyone told me years ago that in the year 2020, my husband would go blind and then oh, there is a global pandemic and we would be quarantined at home for months… all while being pregnant with baby #2, I would think they were crazy. But here we are!
For us, this chaos began on our 4 year wedding anniversary. On March 11, Kit began to notice that the “floaters” he was seeing in his left eye for a few days would turn into total blackness. He described it as feeling like a black curtain in his eye. After seeing our amazing friend and optometrist, she referred Kit to see a retina specialist later that evening. We actually had our 14-week OB appointment that afternoon, then proceeded to the specialist. So being at our 3rd doctor’s office of the day, you can imagine we were so drained. After finally getting called back to a room (he was the last patient being seen that day), a few minutes of poking and magnifying Kit’s eyes, the doctor gave us shocking news: he had retinal detachment in his left eye and a retinal tear in his right eye- both of which had to to be treated right away or else yes, he would go completely blind. The retinal detachment in his left eye meant that he would need to go into major eye surgery within a few days. Both of us were trying to hold back tears and process this information, and so many thoughts we had. Would Kit’s vision return? It was not a guaranteed thing. How would we afford this? Needless to say, we were so unsure of how to deal with all of it, but we just proceeded to follow the guidance of the doctor and to leave it in God’s hands. The very next day, Kit was scheduled for retinal detachment surgery. We were told that because he would have a gas bubble inserted in his eye to reinforce the retina to reattach and heal onto the wall of the eye, he would have to lie face-down constantly for one-week straight. This would be such a strain on our life. Kit would be out of work for weeks, and he was restricted from flying and traveling to any different altitude that may cause the gas bubble to burst and/or retina to detach again. There were so many fears and unknowns.
Post 3 hour surgery
Right then, God seemed to work his magic on us. Covid-19 became widespread and forced us into stay-at-home orders, further closing Arizona schools for the rest of the year. Kit would be spared from missing work the days he was supposed to be on medical leave and then return to work doing distance learning from home when he was cleared. I continue to work, but the Cardiologist office I work for put me on very part-time basis in order to limit my exposure to the virus since I am pregnant. The world was turned upside down before our eyes, but for us, in a sense it would be a dream come true. We could spend every day together as a family.
It is 2 months post-surgery today and thank goodness, my husband’s vision has returned and according to his doctor, his eye has healed better than expected. We are still in the midst of this scary pandemic, and we miss our family and friends like crazy. Keluna, with the socialite, high-energy that she has misses playing with friends at daycare and at church and is absolutely tired of spending day in and day out with us. We miss dining at restaurants, browsing at Target for things we don’t need, or simply strolling the grocery aisles in peace with no fear. But this situation we were put in has really put our lives into perspective. It made us appreciate all the little things and further motivated us to do everything we can to live our life to the fullest even in the confines and restriction of our humble home.
In quarantine, I decided to put my best foot forward and finally launch this blog that I have been striving, but failing to start for years. I’m vowing to throw all excuses out the door. Life is so delicate, and we don’t how much of it we have left. Our toddler is growing and changing every single day before our eyes and soon, we will become parents of two. There is no better time than now to start turning our million dreams into reality. And we hope that you will join us for the ride!
In honor of our 4 year wedding anniversary. Photography by Jennifer Halen.
